“It is much safer to not feel, not to let the world touch me.” – Sylvia Plath

Dissociation is the disconnecting from one’s body and mind during a trauma, a traumatic memory or a PTSD triggered event.

This disconnection can look different for each person.  Some people have an out of body experience as if they are somewhere else in the room and looking at themselves.

For me, I would look off and up to the right and just not be there mentally.

Why would this happen?  During the actual traumatic event, what is happening in the moment is too much and too painful for me to process.  It is a way to escape the traumatic event when I could not escape.  In this moment, I call dissociation, the pressure release.   Dissociation during the traumatic is a brilliant design for survival.

Let’s take a deep dive into what happens during dissociation.  The freeze part of the nervous systems, sympathetic nervous system is in control.  That means that I breath very shallow.  My muscles are very tense. I am numb so I don’t feel the sensations in that moment.  I leave my body in that moment because I cannot bear witness to this unimaginable event.

Not bearing witness allowed me to go on with my life the next day because I could not escape the relentless physical and sexual abuse.  Not bearing witness is a survival skill to return to the only place I knew as a child, home.

The trauma needs to go somewhere.  There is no flow in me because I am tense and breathing shallow so that traumatic energy is absorbed in me everywhere down to the cellular level.

What are some of the longer-term effects of this dissociation? I do not remember most of my childhood from four to eleven years old.  There are other large parts of my childhood that I do not remember.   Additionally, being dissociative go hand in hand with the numbing myself from my emotions.

In the present, severe dissociation comes back when the trauma emerges years later.  When I had to delve into my past, I was overwhelmed with sensations and memories that I could not bear at the time.

When I dissociated, some memories or feelings became too overwhelming for me and anxiety riddled me.  I felt some sensation in my body that I was not tolerable.   I felt my vision become very blurry and could not see where I was. I would feel myself leaving the here and now. I felt a welcome release in my body as I dissociated.  I felt a calm in a very numb way.

When I was asked where was I? I had no idea where I was, but not in the here and now.  It was disconcerting to not know where I was, but at the same time, I did not care. In the past during the traumatic, I could not physically leave so the only way leave to run away was to leave mentally.

Overtime, the memories and feelings can be processed and dissociation can become less and less.

From a yogic perspective, for energy to be released, one must be grounded with a deeper breath and an energetic flow and relaxation in the body.

From my yoga teacher, Tammy, this is the way to deal with anger and other feelings:

Breathe: Deeply into the diaphragm to clear energy blocks.

Relax: Relax the muscles to clear the energy blocks.

Feel: The waves and sensations.

Watch: Witness what is happening and stay present.

Allow:  Trust/Don’t resist and stay with the raw feelings without acting until you are clear.

This is the antithesis to dissociation!

“Out of the mud of your fears, struggles, pain and confusion, the lotus flower of your inner heart will spontaneously grow.” – Anon I Mus

This journey begins with my first triathlon in 2008.  That triathlon opened the door to my dark hidden past.   The blog will explore the discovery of my buried trauma, the journey of healing, and the triumphant return to triathlons.  It will explore how yoga everyday (Yes, everyday!), meditation and Reiki changed my life.

I will share what it was like discovering  the truth that I hid from myself, what I did to survive before the door was opened, what it is like to heal from trauma and the joy of finding my true self.

In this journey, I met some very interesting people and have some amazing experiences which I am grateful for and look forward to sharing.

Some future blogs will be: “I Felt My Feet for The First Time!,” “Enter Adriene Mishler and Yoga with Adriene,” “What is My Diagnosis and How Could I Have That?,” “Education Saved My Life,” “Learning to Swim for the Tri and the Past Drips In,”, “Unable to Tri,”  “Standing in My Own Truth – Triathlon: Trauma to Triumph,” and many more.